I finally think I figured out what it is that I am seeing

Okay, what I have been seeing is the logic paradox of existence beyond the self. I know that may sound strange, but I will give an example or two.

I have an aunt named Doreen who lives in Nome and grows her personal oz. of MJ in her basement. Now, how do you know that she actually exists? I would have to find a way to convince you, probably to have you call her on the phone, and you could look up that the number was a Nome number, and then if she said she was my aunt Doreen and grows weed you would probably believe it. But you don't actually know that it's true. As far as you're concerned, she may or may not exist. Maybe I just lied about her unless I prove it to you.

So, any time at which you are all alone, you cannot actually be certain that anyone exists besides your own consciousness. Once you accept that as a possibility, only seeing an item which you already know exists can restore your knowledge that things do exist. But it's not a universal proof, it only works for what you actually see. But, there IS another way....

Someone can tell you that something exists, and if you believe that it's possible, and you believe they are telling you the truth, then that is as good as the thing existing. For everyone I just told about my aunt Doreen, my simple telling about her is just as good for you as her actual existence, unless you don't believe me.

So what I experienced was a logic paradox of a disbelief that there was anything in the universe besides my own existence. Even when I saw everything in the room in which I was sitting again, it was not enough to convince me because I had a reasonable conjecture that I could just be thinking about those things, after all, I see things in rooms all the time while I am dreaming, and those things are not necessarily extant at that time. I have even touched things, smelled things, tasted things, and heard things which did not necessarily exist or if they did exist there was not a scientific explanation of my ability to interact with them at a distance. Therefore, it caused me to be stuck in a state of confusion until such time as I either accepted through simple faith that everything beyond my own boundaries existed, OR I could have an experience which I could not have previously imagined, but which is scientifically possible to have. EITHER ONE OF THOSE IS SUFFICIENT UNTO ITSELF. In other words, the paradox is that believing something is ABSOLUTELY as good to YOU as the ACTUAL EXISTENCE of the thing you believe.

So, what I saw was something that I THOROUGHLY believe exists, and yet is so completely unique to myself that I absolutely cannot receive verification for it. The problem was that I also BELIEVED that ONLY I could see it, therefore, my belief itself created the logical paradox requiring me to seek a proof that everything else I know, including myself, was not operating in THAT VERY SAME PRINCIPLE - AS SOMETHING WHICH I DO BELIEVE EXISTS, BUT WAS NOT DEMONSTRABLE TO ANYONE ELSE. Only contacting another human being could convince me that ANYTHING was PHYSICALLY EXTANT. That is why I have felt such an urgency to connect intimately with another person... because I CAN have convincing visions and dreams of speaking to people.

I have NOT however, kissed, cuddled, caressed, or otherwise made love to another person, so I cannot actually manufacture those activities from my own mind. I don't have the sensory references to make it convincing. This is why I feel a desperate need to fuck right at that moment - it's the best disproof to this paradox.

Here is why I can't remember the thing for very long after I experience it... because the paradox is too difficult to logically solve without a proof that it IS an impossible paradox,so my mind dissolves it from memory out of self-protection. I only know what it is now because my sitter told me to put the pipe away before I dropped it, so I intentionally put it somewhere bizarre so that if I found it again I would know it existed, and then remember the paradox so I could explain it to him, and he understood me. That's another thing... you don't know that this thing exists unless you can find another person who can convince you that they have seen one too. Because he gave me a good example of what I was trying to tell him, it made me able to analyze it without the trap, therefore I could remember it.

BTW, I have seen this thing every time I smoke salvia, ever since I first broke into level four and higher. The reason I always think I saw the difference between human beings and animals, or this afternoon human beings and vegetables, is that (most) animals don't know about object permanence. For example, when my dog wants to be petted, she scratches my hands and she will not stop until I pet her. If I put them under a blanket however, she just ignores them. She only knows that her perceptions exist, she doesn't know that my hands exist unless she can see them. That's also why she doesn't know that she will die. She can't experience it, so to her it doesn't exist. Anyway, everything that makes one able to use logic, and plan ahead, and basically do anything unique to life forms of human level and higher is the knowledge of object permanence.

When you write notes on a staff, you know what sounds they will make when played, even though your eardrums are not actually vibrating. But for my dog, her imagination is indistinguishable from reality to her. If she sees a rabbit in a dream or sees it in real life, it makes absolutely no difference to her. I'm not even sure sensations of time work the way we understand without the knowledge of object permanence. I suspect that she is completely unaware of any time passing during non-dream sleep periods.

To sum it up the only difference between a real thing and an imaginary one is that someone besides yourself also knows that the real thing exists. The paradox which I saw was a real, non-imaginary thing that no one else knows exists. That's why I had no name for it, because no two people have agreed to name it. I think tomorrow I will ask my sitter to help me name it, and then I can call it something and not have to go into a long explanation, or use curse words. I can actually tell people besides my best friends about it, and tell them that I know how they can see it. I could even ask them to show me something I've never seen before, in exchange. "I've never felt a kiss before, I'll show you mine if I can see yours." There's nothing even unethical about that, they can just simply refuse the offer. The only problem is that if they follow my instructions to see it, then the jig is up. If they see it, they will have seen it and I can't make it the offering again unless they really liked it, and if they don't see it I can't make another trade with that person. The only way to get anything more from that person would be if they actually enjoy their side of the bargain. It only works once, and only on people who haven't heard of it before, so I need to keep the name secret, which could actually be the reason it has no name in the first place, or why the name is a taboo.

Imagine if someone THOUGHT they knew what it was, but they didn't ACTUALLY know. Like with the word fuck. What if someone were to punch a little kid in the face, and then say "Ha ha I just fucked you!" Lets say you also know that you will get in trouble for saying it when adults can hear, so you don't tell about it, and then someone asks if you want to fuck them, or if you want them to fuck you... it could actually make it impossible, especially if they then ask you "Do you know what fuck means?" and you say with all sincerity "Yes." You would literally be unable to have sex with another person unless someone tells you the truth, AND you BELIEVE that for your ENTIRE LIFE you were WAY off base, or someone asks for sex without using the word fuck, or you just flat-out rape someone. That's why some words are protected, even though logically they SHOULD be as commonly known as possible. There is a fear that hearing the word will somehow cause the wrong conclusion to be drawn, but that simply isn't true. It is NOT hearing the word which can lead to the wrong conclusion being drawn.

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